Thinking or Not thinking.

    It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- just to loosen up. Inevatibly though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone -- to relax, I told myself -- but I knew that wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me -- finally, I was thinking all the time!

    That was when things began to turn sour at home. One evening, I tuned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She left and spent the night at her mother's.

    I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't help myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau, Muir, Confucius, and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking: "What exactly is it we are doing here?"

    One day, the boss called me in and said: "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem! If you don't stop thinking here, you'll have to find another job."

    This gave me a lot to think about! I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey, I confessed, "I've been thinking..."

    "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

    "But honey," I said, "Surely it's not that serious."

    "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as a college professor and college professors don't make any money, so, if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"

    "That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently.

    She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional trauma. I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the library parking lot with social reportage on the radio and ran up to its big glass doors. They didn't open. The library was closed!

    To this day, I believe a higher power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line; it came from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster. 

    This is why I am what I am today: a "Recovering Thinker." I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting, we watch a non-educational video. Last week, it was "Porky's." Then we share personal experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

    I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seems...easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. The road to recovery is now nearly complete for me.

    Today I took the final step. I joined the Republican Party.